**How to help** **What not to do/say** **Continued support**
Friends and family can provide vital support to parents who have lost a baby before, during and after birth. Immediately following the birth of their baby, families are often in a very intense grieving period. Everybody grieves differently, so remember to be patient. Ask the family what their wishes are. Some parents may want to have all the baby items gathered up and moved out of the house, others may find comfort surrounded by their child’s items. Asking families what their wishes are and how you can support them is critical.
Things that family and friends can do to help grieving families:
- Announcing the death of a baby can be difficult and awkward. Many parents are not immediately ready to talk with people. Friends and relatives can offer to make these difficult calls for them.
- Express your own sorrow and be willing to listen.
- Sadness and crying when talking about the baby are part of the healing process. Friends and family members should never feel they have “made the parents feel sad” when they talk with the parents about their loss.
- Send a sympathy card. Lost For Words sympathy cards are amazing!
- Send flowers.
- Cook a meal for the family or help with day-to-day routines.
- Take some groceries to their home.
- If they have living children, offer to babysit.
- Press flowers that have bloomed on the day of the baby’s birth.
- Cry if you need to. Shared tears are a precious gift.
- Listen to the parents and allow them to share their experience and their pain with you.
- Remember that grieving over the loss of a loved one, including an infant, involves a normal healing process that can last from one to two years or even longer.
- A simple “How are you feeling today?” tells the parents that you care.
- Support them in every possible way if they are going through this loss by themselves. If the case is that they are single and do not have a partner, organize close friends and family members to stay with them until they feel ready to be on their own.
- Use the baby’s name in conversation. It tells the parents that you recognize their baby as a real person.
- A quick call or a simple card means a lot, especially after the initial wave or support leaves and on anniversaries of the baby’s birth and death.
- Stay in touch often and never forget.
- Be especially sensitive about subsequent pregnancies.
- It’s hard to know what to say to a grieving parent. Our own fear of loss can render us immobile. And sometimes people feel like they have to think of the “perfect” thing to say or do. There is no “perfect” thing to say, there’s no perfect thing to do. There is nothing you can say to heal the grief of losing a child. But acknowledging and supporting the family’s grief is a way to help them heal. The simple effort of talking about the baby, their loss, and their sadness will be appreciated.
Things NOT to say/do:
- “You can always try again.”.
- “It was God’s will” or “This was meant to be.”.
- “At least you have/will have other kids.”.
- “Everything will be fine next time.”.
- “Your baby’s in a better place.”.
- “God only takes the best.”.
- “Time heals all wounds.”.
- ” I know just how you feel.” (Unless you have personally experienced the loss of a baby.)
- “It’s been ___ amount of time and aren’t you over it yet? It’s time to get on with your life.”.
- “At least you have other children.” or “At least you can have other children.”.
- “Now you will have an angel in heaven.”.
- Don’t ignore the family.
- Don’t tell jokes or try to make the parents laugh.
Continued Support: Continued support is so important. When a child passes, there is a flood of support that parents receive of food and gifts and cards and condolences. Although after a few weeks-months, people move on and the support fizzles out. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries will all still come and with them, the pain resurfaces. Remember the family during these times. Remember their child(ren). Send cards or gifts for the child. When addressing Christmas cards, remember to include the child(ren) they lost. Continue to encourage them and love on them. Grief can sometimes be a long and bumpy road. Never forget to reach out to your loved ones and always remember to include their child(ren).