Wow! It’s been awhile! Sorry I’ve been so out of touch. I need to get back into writing. I think I’ve just been so spent with the boys, I end up just chilling when the silence finally comes. Sorry!
I wanted to talk a little bit about Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. What does it mean, to me, that is.
I posted today on Facebook about it. I think I posted 3 posts. All about loss and remembrance. I think a day like this is awesome. I think its important. But does it make me sad? Usually not so much.
It’s been nearly 3 years since I’ve lost Selah. Nearly 6, since I’ve lost Jorai. I still miss them dearly. I still struggle at times with guilt and anger and loss. I still have nights where all I can think about are the nights I birthed them and held them and ultimately had to hand their bodies over to someone who would forever take them away. I still struggle. But I also still laugh, a lot. I still live, a ton. I still love, always.
You see, a lot of people have a hard time hearing this. A lot of people in “my community” of loss parents, have a hard time with the expression of “feeling or being blessed” but that’s how I truly feel. If I’m being honest, if I was never given my crazy daisy boys, Im not sure I would have ever recovered. I’m not Job. I know this to be a fact and in a way it makes me feel horrible, but that’s life. I know, deep down, if Asher and Greyson never came into our lives, my outlook would be different. But today it’s not.
I feel blessed. I truly do. I birthed two amazingly awesome girls that for some reason God needed. And though at times it pisses me off that He needed them more than he thought I needed them, I know they’re with Him. And what better place could there be? In the presence of God. Isn’t that what we all want? Of course I would love to have a daughter. I would love to experience pink and all the nuances of girlhood. I would have loved to see the person(s) Asher (and Greyson) would become with older and younger sisters…but to be honest, we wouldn’t have Asher or Greyson without the loss of Jorai and Selah. And I LOVE my boys! They are crazy and full of energy that deplete me at times. But they’re my boys. They are my boys, the children that God wanted me to have. I can’t ask why He needed my girls. It doesn’t matter right now. What matters are my boys. Raising them and teaching them and loving them. Laughing with them and playing with them and reminding them that they have two awesome sisters up in Heaven waiting for them.
Sorry…I’m rambling. It was a long day with the boys and to be honest, I think the rum and coke my awesome husband made me is making me chit chatty! I guess this is where I’m going…
Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts today. They mean a ton. But I have to say, I’m OK. I don’t need prayers, other than for my sanity with living with two crazy boys! What I do need is prayer for all your pregnant friends. I need prayer for babies. For miscarriages and SIDS and congenital defects. I need prayers for the rare, possibly, genetic connections to gestational loss. I need prayer for babies growing within as well as growing on this earth. I want people to know about stillbirth especially. I don’t want people to become scared, but at the same time, I want people to be aware. I want people to know that stillbirth has a much higher rate than SIDS, even though it’s only SIDS and miscarriage that we hear of at the doctors. Stillbirth has a rate of 1 in 115 births, which is roughly 26, 000 a year. 26,000! What was the SIDS rate in 2008? 2,353.
When I was pregnant with Jorai, I worried about 2 things. Miscarriage and SIDS. When I reached the 12 week mark, I thought I was in the clear. Little did I know…Little did I know. Remember, what’s the SIDS rate? 2,353…and the stillbirth rate? roughly 26,000!
So to be honest, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day means outreach to me. Yes, of course it’s a way for me to remember my children…but I do this every day. There’s not one.single.day that I don’t think about my daughters. Not one day. I don’t need a special day to remember them. But it gives me the box I need to stand on to reach out to others.
So, thank you for your prayers and thoughts about me and my daughters. But please, please, pray for your pregnant friends. Pray for their babies both inside of them and the ones whom have graced our lives outside of the womb. Babies. They need our love, but they need our prayers too.
For my girls, I love you and on this day, please know I miss you dearly. As I do each and every day. You will forever be missed but we all will be patiently waiting to meet you in Heaven. We’re proud of you and long to get a chance to laugh with you and hug you tight. I miss your beautiful faces. Your perfect bodies. Your impact on our lives and the lives of our family and friends will forever be imbedded. You are both completely and utterly amazing. Give a shout out to the Big Man for us and let Him know that though we may not fully understand His plans…we’re more at peace with them than ever. But between you and me…they still suck in my opinion!
For all of you who are still reading…pray like mad for all the babies out there. I’m so sick of hearing that another family has to travel down this road. Pray! Just pray.
To all my babyloss friends out there…my heart aches for you as always. We traveled down the road that is indescribable. I love you all. You are awesome and amazing and each one of your children will be forever engraved in my heart.