My sweet Selah Mae should have been born on this day, two years ago. To think I could have a 2 year old daughter running around, crushes me. To be honest the day started just as any other day, and like any other day, the crushing feeling of loss sneaks up out of nowhere. Coupled with my current sleep deprivation, the day has been a rough one. It’s strange really. Some “big” days come and go with little to no sorrow and then wham-o, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
And then the guilt hits. I think the guilt is the killer part. The thoughts of, why didn’t I look at her more or take more photo’s. I don’t remember what her face looks like. And I don’t have photo’s to go back to. I only have her tiny feet and tiny hands. The fingers that were nearly too tiny to wrap around my own. Their coldness. I can still feel that. The cold, dry touch of death. The weightlessness of your child who was suppose to come into the world warm and pink, screaming and chunky. But that feeling of holding a child all too small, all too still, all too cold, haunts me. It’s strange too, thinking I have held two all too tiny baby girls, yet my sons are huge and robust. They came out screaming louder than all get out, in comparison to the silence of the girls.
Losing both girls brought my sons into the world, into my life. And so it’s so hard to miss them, in missing them and wishing they were here, I feel like I’m saying that I wish the boys weren’t..and I don’t. My sons have saved me…kill me some days!…but save me. But I got pregnant with Asher, 3 months after losing Jorai and 6 months after losing Selah we were pregnant with Greyson. Without my daughters loss, the boys would have never ceased to exist. It’s a reminder that in all things, God works. In all loss, God brings life. In all darkness, God sheds light.
In saying that, I miss my girls. And on this day, I can’t stop thinking about pink and ponies and baby dolls and strawberry shortcake. I can’t stop thinking that there was once a chance I could raise a daughter and watch her grow. Do girl things and help her plan her wedding and watch her become a mother. It’s on days like this, I mourn not only my daughter but the dream of raising, and loving a living daughter. I know one day I’ll get to meet my girls and I cannot wait. But it’ hard not having them here.
I miss you my sweet child. You were wanted and loved and you will never be forgotten. My heart fills with joy, knowing you are spending your time in Heaven with your sister, though my heart aches for you to be here with us. We need a little pink in our lives! I love you and miss you so much my love.