On December 19, 2009 I lost my daughter Selah. On December 21, I delivered her…so very tiny and so utterly still. Not only was my heart crushed…but in three days I had to celebrate Christmas…and I knew it was going to be horrid.
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love the entire season. The smells and sights and sounds. I love it all. From Thanksgiving through New Years is my ultimate favorite time of year. But last year…I just wanted it all to end. Christmas Eve service at church…which was something I had been waiting for because we had missed this service for the past dew years…was horrible. Seeing all the families…all the brothers and sisters…the songs…I just sat there and cried. I hated it. Every second. The whole Christmas season just sucked. Even in January when I would see a house still lit up in Christmas lights, I wanted to scream.
I’ve been ‘worrying’ about this coming Christmas since January. I think in a way, Christmas for me has been ruined. There will always be the memory of the stillness of December 22, 2009.
Last night, a friend nonchalantly was talking about the Christmas cookies she baked last year, and my first reaction was joy…….joy! I actually felt joy. I was excited to think about the possibility of making cookies with Asher and leaving out a plate of them for santa. I then thought, ‘but what about Selah…shouldn’t I be sad because that holiday is now tainted with tragedy?’. But I still felt a joy. Joy? Wow!
I’m not saying that all is right and when fall turns to winter I will only feel joy. I think there will be times of deep sadness…but the joy I felt in the car last night, was such a surprising feeling. Joy is a beautiful feeling.