Monthly Archives: January 2010

One of the many things that’s so hard about losing a child is all the guilt and regret that follows. It seems to lessen…at least it did a bit with Jorai, as it’s been over 2 1/2 years now, but … Continue reading →

I haven’t been blogging as much as I’d like. The reason is because I feel like people are going to start thinking that I’m just complaining. In my own thoughts, I think that people who’ve never gone through this hell, … Continue reading →

Sorry for the lewdness…but back in my high school and college days I used to listen to a lot of Fugazi. One of their songs was called Promises are Shit. It was a favorite… Last night as I was driving … Continue reading →

We got nothing. We’re back to square one. Nothing grew…whatever that means…so we have no answers to why Selah passed. My doctor called to tell us the news and she said that the form stated the they usually never get … Continue reading →

Ya know how the sky looks when the clouds start to break and the sun’s rays peek through the holes? I’ve always loved that sight. It’s as if God is showing Himself. In a way, that’s how I’ve been feeling … Continue reading →

In responding to a friends email this evening I think I had a small breakthrough. I’ve been so angry that I can’t see straight. My emotional cup is so full that one more ounce of any sadness or anger or … Continue reading →

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling Selah. I miss hope. I miss planning a future with 2 living children. I hate talking about pregnancies and it seems where ever I go, that’s what people are talking about. It sucks. … Continue reading →

When I catch myself truly laughing, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling anything but sorrow. I know it’s all part of the healing process, but it makes everything harder. As if my mind and spirit doesn’t want me … Continue reading →

I was watching a show today were a baby was born. It was loud. The baby came out screaming and there was happiness. That’s how it should be. Labor should be joyous. It should contain some pain and pushing and … Continue reading →

I keep getting asked ‘how are you?’ And I understand the question. I realize why people ask it…I’d probably ask it…but how does one answer that? Do people really want to know. I mean, is it OK to say ‘well, … Continue reading →

I never really noticed all the miscarriage scenes in movies before….or maybe it just never stuck, never felt so raw, but since losing Jorai and now Selah, it’s a double edged sword. On one side, I like seeing it displayed … Continue reading →

I want to get to a point where I’m not judging every one’s life, every one’s joy. I want to look at my life and know that although I’ve gone through a ton of heartache and sorrow that I still … Continue reading →

While talking to my sister-in-law today, I learned that 2 years ago, my 7 year old nephew, decided that he’s never having children after learning that Jorai passed. Now in context, He had learned of his other cousin’s passing just … Continue reading →

I keep hearing how strong I am. What does that mean? Where does that come from? Is it because I’m not in a drunken stupor? Is it because I’m not in a comatose state? Dead? Is it because I can … Continue reading →

Is it wrong to want to get pregnant right away? Does that diminish Selah’s life? Her memory? I don’t want to diminish her life. I want to glorify it. I want to honor her. But I also want get this … Continue reading →

It’s been 2 weeks since to heard those words again. No heartbeat. 2 weeks. It seems like months ago, yet only seconds as well. How can that be? How can time seem so slow yet so fast? 2 weeks. I … Continue reading →